And for one day.

I've been painting my nephew's room for the past three days.
It's a bit of a challenge, but I'm getting there.
I miss the FUCK out of nephs.
And my brothers.
Geeeeeeez.
Colby is all the way in Lewisville.
Justin in New Zealand.
And Keba, Koa, and Amare in Kentucky.
The Jones's are spread all over the place.
But here I am stuck in east TX.
Oh well.
I plan on making a trip to Virginia in August to go see Abby.
I hope it works out.
It's not much for a round trip ticket.
:]
I'm glad I'm finally in a good mood.
I know that the past....shyt, 5 or 6 posts have been awful.
I have good days.
And a lot of bad ones.
But.
I'm trying. Really hard.
For now, I'm going back to watching True Blood.
Yay!

:]

reasons for seasons.

and the one tyme that i am NOT scared
and feel SO alone.
the one tyme that i am feeling lyke i shouldnt be here
i stand in the middle of the street
not being able to breathe.
not being able to think.
and no one is there to take me
no one is there to DESTROY me
no one is here to fucking take this breath away for good
WHERE IS IT WHEN I NEED IT.

Mr. Burbank

Have you ever seen The Truman Show?
His whole lyfe is a lie.
People going through a routine every single day.
Making him believe it was normal to do it.
Everyone watched every move he made.
And nobody was real.
They say that "He" pretty much tests you to see how much you can handle.
And he only gives those kind of 'loads' to people who can carry that weight.
What the fuck.
Really?
Sometymes I think people make up this bullshyt to feel better about themselves.
My exboyfriend committed suicide.
Why the hell would that burden be put on anyone?
His family, his friends, and everyone that loved him.
If 'He' was in any way testing Josh, why the fuck was it sent overboard?
Obviously he couldn't handle what he was dealt.
I'm just so tired.
And I've said it before.
I am defeated.
I feel as if somebody is just playing me as a game.
I'm a little pawn in their massive game of hysterics.
I do something that I feel and I get laughed at.
And pointed at.
And made to feel stupid for.
How can I become a better person if I get dealt nothing but shyt.
And nobody has the answer.

The truth.

I Am. Fucking. Defeated.

All the cynics in this town.

And after all of the things that this has handed me.
After the pain it has dealt me with.
When I discover something worth it.
It's never what it seems.
Do not ever wake and believe that it will come.
Because it's all a dream.
It's all a trick.
Do not let it come in and rest.
You must resist all you can.
And never have faith that it will go as planned.
They will all be greatly disappointed.
But the only thing I'm capable of is smoking this cigarette.
And watching this leave.

Girls

I'm just your typical girl.
I care about what I look lyke.
I enjoy going out and getting compliments.
Also, I lyke being healthy.
And whenever I go to the doctor and you tell me ABSOLUTELY nothing!!!!!! it gets complicated.
My fucking face looks terrible.
It burns.
It itches.
I have a rash that covers the majority of my face.
I've gone to the doctor.
He gave me zyrtec.
It didn't work.
The dermatologist is backed up for 2 weeks.
I cannot stand this shyt.
I don't feel attractive in the least.
:[
If it isn't one thing, it's another.
And I hate that I write on this thing every tyme I'm upset.

Maybe a little smile?

:]

Willow St.

My allergies are terrible.
I went to www.weather.com today and typed in my zip code.
The first thing that popped up was 'WARNING POLLEN COUNT HIGH'
no shyt website.it'sfuckingterrible.
My eyes are itchy, my skin looks terrible, and my nose is stuffy.
Geeeez louise.

Black Body is playing a show this Friday.
I'm so very proud of them.
They're playing with ANS, Unit 21 and Power Trip.
My boys are growing up.... :sniffle:
But I am really excited.
I'm going to go and watch them play.
They're opening.
Whew, such a good tyme.

That's all the update I have for now kyds.
Good day.

:]

Ummm.

You can do whatever the fuck you want.
Me excluded.
I don't give a shyt.

Back to where I came from

I'm back at my mother's.
For reasons I'm going to refrain from typing.
I went to Austin for 'spring break'
A mini-vacation for myself.
As fast-paced as that city is, I felt so much more relaxed.
And comfortable.
Much more than what I feel here.
The only tyme I ever feel something lyke that is when I'm around my nephews.
My mother.
And Cole.
I want to get a place with Jed soon.
Preferably at the end of July/beginning of August.
I figured Austin would be the best place.
Start over in a new city.
But Cole wouldn't be there.
And I really don't know how to even function without him.
My nephews would be so far away as well.
But I do need to get the fuck out of here.
I'm living a routine live in Longview and that's not what I want or need.
But I do want to wake up in a new house.
Go to work.
Come home and start on dinner.
Play snes or read.
Call to the boys that dinner is ready.
Eat.
Start baking.
Sleep.
Do it all over again.
And I want this to happen with some good people.
Jed is a perfect candidate for that.
He's lyke me in a lot of ways.
I wish that Tay would room with us.
But I don't know how that would work out.

I feel so much more at east on my mother's couch right now.

:]

Spoiler

I went to see Remember Me tonight.
I was sort of expecting it to be some kind of chick flick.
The one where something good happens.
Then something bad happens.
Then it ends well.
And this one didn't.
Well. it did. and it didn't.
I enjoyed the movie quite a bit.
I left the theater thinking about lyfe and death.
It really made me want to live my lyfe to the fullest.
Right now I'm a little down.
You never know when death is going to happen.
I love my friends so so much.
I'm more than thankful that Cole has been there for me.
He's the one person that I can always, always talk to.
and look forward to seeing.
We have a lot of the same views on things.
It's good to talk to someone lyke that.
Always agreeing.
Always having something to say.
I know I shouldn't be sad right now.
It's going to be a difficult night.
One with barely any sleep.

I miss it though.
I miss him so much.
I hate that most of my posts are about this.
But who else am I supposed to say it to.
If not for myself.

I love you.

And then there was this dream....

I'm ready to leave.
I'm ready to go.
The tile of our favourite restaurant.
The last place we ever visited together.
The trips we would make to Dallas to watch Cattle Decapitation.
The arguing about where we're going to eat even though we always end up at Chilis.
The way he always thought I was kissing his back but I was really actually cuddling in my own way.
The smell of him when he got home from work.
The ridiculous way he brushed his hair because he had a 'sensitive' scalp.
God damnit.
This is too much for me.
All of this goes away with tyme.
But I had this terrible dream yesterday when I was napping.
I was at my house and Josh walked in.
And I just started crying and crying and he came up to me and said that he had to fake his own death to protect me.
And for the rest of the dream I was following him and never leaving his side.
It felt so. fucking. real.
It was Josh.
He was dirty and his hair had grown out.
But it was him.
And when I woke up, I felt lyke someone had fucking stabbed me.
I woke up and realized that none of it was real.
And that he really wasn't there.
And he was never going to come back.
This isn't someone taking a trip.
There's not going to be a return date.

I know that I'm letting it affect my health.
I smoke way too many cigarettes and it's just making my stomach problems worse.
Drinking and not knowing when to stop.
Worrying and thinking so much that I get sick.
Forgetting to eat.
But I don't know any other way.
I don't know how to say, ok this is how it's going to be. let's get better.

I know that we weren't dating when he died.
But he was the first person I ever really truly loved.
And probably the last for a very long tyme.
He's my baby.
He was mine.
And yes we both fucked up equally.
And if I had to go back and do it all over again.
I wouldn't hesitate to say yes.

:[

Ships Sinking.

I have that sinking feeling again.
I get into a situation and I want so badly to text Josh about it.
And I can't.
He would be the only one to appreciate the story.
And he's not there.
God damnit.
My heart hurts a little bit.
I can actually feel it sinking.
I'll never be able to watch Beetlejuice again.
Or Friday.
Or watch George Carlin.
I'll be chewing on my lip thinking about this for the rest of the day.
I wish my questions could be answered.

:[

Cincinatti High Tymes.

I'm never going to drive 14 hours straight to OHIO ever again.
Ohio was absurd.
But we got Coralys here.
So I guess all is good.
Now it's back to work.
Just looking back into my xanga.
From nearly 5 years ago.
And I met Taylor Coleman when I was 16 years old.
That's almost 5 years that I've known that faggot.
HA.
This Friday will be party tyme.
It's Chase b-day/Jordan&Aaron's Going Away/Anti-Valentines Extravaganza.
Getting smashed and playing Rock Band.
And listening to Dana and Jordan music.


:]

Thought it was going to KILL me.

I've never felt so anxious in my lyfe!!!
I threw a pack of cigarettes out of my car yesterday.
On my way to Gilmer.
Sure sure it seemed lyke a good idea at the TYME.
But now. I want one.
I'm going to refrain.
I doubt I can make it past this weekend without one though.
Just being in a car makes me want a cigarette.
Maybe if I drove someone else's car I wouldn't.
Someone going to lend me their car?
I haven't made cupcakes in a while.
I think it's my kitchen that is discouraging me.
I really want to make some chocolate ones with peanut butter.
Just haven't done it yet.
I did make a coconut cake though.
Quite delicious.
It was much better warm though.
Going to Denton this weekend.
Going to spend tyme with my Bob Nasty.
I do so love him

:]

Head Pains

I have a Vaste Burai song stuck in my head.
I'm such a tired little panda.
I want to bake some coconut cupcakes though.
Maybe I will tonight??
I actually just got excited about it.
Today has been a difficult.
It has been rough.
But I am headed home.
Most lykely to play on muh wii.
I'm glad I bought one.
I'm off to my crowded apartment.
I'm going to take a nap later on.
Then coconut cupcakes it is.

:]

NO SMOKE.

So. I've been smoking since I was about... 13.
It's not too difficult for me to just quit but.
I always go back to it.
Stress relief maybe.
But what exactly should I be stressed about?
I'm a young LADY.
nothing to stress about.
I'll just bake my cupcakes, play a little MarioKart and be fine.
And watch lots of Star Wars.
I wish somebody would send me some pomegranates because I can't find any.

:]

Gain.

OH hiiii....
I'm looking up cupcake recipes.
I wish I had a bigger kitchen.
I have this tiny ass kitchenETTE and it's ridiculous to bake in.
I'm progressing in my cupcake baking skills.
It gets better with each batch.
I'm baking some for Ana's little one, Hailey, this weekend.
Her 5th birthday.
How sweet.
SO if anyone needs cupcakes. I'm your girl ;]

:]