reasons for seasons.

and the one tyme that i am NOT scared
and feel SO alone.
the one tyme that i am feeling lyke i shouldnt be here
i stand in the middle of the street
not being able to breathe.
not being able to think.
and no one is there to take me
no one is there to DESTROY me
no one is here to fucking take this breath away for good
WHERE IS IT WHEN I NEED IT.

Mr. Burbank

Have you ever seen The Truman Show?
His whole lyfe is a lie.
People going through a routine every single day.
Making him believe it was normal to do it.
Everyone watched every move he made.
And nobody was real.
They say that "He" pretty much tests you to see how much you can handle.
And he only gives those kind of 'loads' to people who can carry that weight.
What the fuck.
Really?
Sometymes I think people make up this bullshyt to feel better about themselves.
My exboyfriend committed suicide.
Why the hell would that burden be put on anyone?
His family, his friends, and everyone that loved him.
If 'He' was in any way testing Josh, why the fuck was it sent overboard?
Obviously he couldn't handle what he was dealt.
I'm just so tired.
And I've said it before.
I am defeated.
I feel as if somebody is just playing me as a game.
I'm a little pawn in their massive game of hysterics.
I do something that I feel and I get laughed at.
And pointed at.
And made to feel stupid for.
How can I become a better person if I get dealt nothing but shyt.
And nobody has the answer.

The truth.

I Am. Fucking. Defeated.

All the cynics in this town.

And after all of the things that this has handed me.
After the pain it has dealt me with.
When I discover something worth it.
It's never what it seems.
Do not ever wake and believe that it will come.
Because it's all a dream.
It's all a trick.
Do not let it come in and rest.
You must resist all you can.
And never have faith that it will go as planned.
They will all be greatly disappointed.
But the only thing I'm capable of is smoking this cigarette.
And watching this leave.